May 10, 2010

Lets Wrap This Up - Part 5

The month of January literally flew by as I worked to pack up our apartment, sell my car and work like a crazy woman. I decided to move in with Mel and Billy for a little while until I could figure out what my next move would be. They were so very kind to offer me a place to stay, rent free until I could get my feet on the ground. As moving day approached, I started moving stuff into a storage facility that I had rented as I planned on taking the only the necessities with me until I found a place I could afford on my own. As luck would have it, Richmond was hit with a HUGE snowstorm the weekend I had to be out of my apartment. H was able to come home and help me move things but it was a very slow and stressful process as we tried to navigate boxes and furniture through 15 inches of snow. My fabulous father-in-law was a huge help to us and between the three of us, we managed to get everything finished. As I adjusted to living with Mel and Billy, I was also really working on my relationship with H. I was in a tough place because I wanted things to work between me and my husband but my family could only see the destruction he had done and wanted nothing to do with him. Emotionally I was torn as I tried so desperately to navigate life while feeling like I was being forced to choose between my husband and my family. I was already in a fragile state emotionally and the stress of added tension was ripping my heart in two. Things seemed to grow more and more tense as the weeks went by and I decided that my only option was to move into my own place again. I love my family so very much and I also love H with all of my heart...being in the middle of all of this tension was killing me. I found a decent apartment that I was able to afford and just two weeks after my first move, I was packing up to move again. (I am now an expert at packing and unpacking as well as changing my address and all of the other moving related tasks.) As I slowly settled into my new place, I was also spending more and more time with H. For the first time in years, my wonderful husband was back and I was ecstatic! H looked amazing and was so much fun to be around. We were going on long runs together again after a long hiatus and it was so much fun to have uninterrupted hours of time together. I had forgotten how much fun my husband was and as we worked to repair our lives, I couldn't keep a smile from my face. I felt like there was hope for the first time in years.

Slowly February morphed into March and life continued to move forward at a crazy pace. Out of nowhere, I started to notice a few changes in H and couldn’t figure out what was going on with him. Our relationship became very difficult as we both worked to sort out our feelings and try to decide on what the future held for us. H had decided after just two months in the program that he was ready to come home and was really pushing me to help him make that happen. I had some serious doubts about his progress in the program and was absolutely scared to death to have him move home so soon. We spent so much time arguing back and forth about this decision. I wanted H to be home with me so badly. I missed him every single second of the day. It is a very difficult thing to go from being married and having a husband around to eat dinner with and snuggle in bed with and talk to about your day to living alone and trying to create a new life for yourself. I hated to come home after work to a silent cold apartment and all I wanted was for things to go back to normal. I wanted the happy blissful days when we were newlyweds and it seemed like anything was possible if we had each other. It hurt me so much to have to look H in the eyes and tell him that I wasn’t comfortable with him moving home because my heart wanted him home so badly! H refused to accept my decision and as the next few weeks unfolded he made quite a few decisions that not only made me question his motives with treatment but also his love for me. In order to protect the privacy of various people, I am not going to go into detail about everything that has transpired but suffice it to say, H and I reached an irreparable breaking point as husband and wife. We are presently pursuing a divorce and it literally makes my heart ache to write those words. I love H with every single part of me and we are still very close friends. We see each other quite often and have a great friendship but marriage is not something we can make work anymore. H did end up leaving the program and is currently creating a new life for himself. I wish him nothing but happiness and I hope that he is able to find that in a safe, healthy and uncomplicated way.

So where does that leave me? Well, I am embracing life as a woman with the whole world in front of me. I am not coming out of this whole saga without a few battle wounds and quite a few scars. I get sad and angry and frustrated and lonely quite often. However, I have hope that life is going to only get better from here. I get to start all over and create a healthy, happy life for myself. I am stronger because of this whole situation and I have learned so many lessons. I have surprised myself with my strength and even more so with my ability to forgive and love. I truly believe with all of my heart that love never fails. Despite the fact that things didn’t work out the way I was hoping, I can truly say that I love H and to me that is an accomplishment. I am planning on resuming regular blogging with a focus on healthy living but I am not sure what that will entail exactly. As with everything else in my life, the future is uncertain but I have a feeling it will be exciting.

In closing, I just want to say thank you for letting me get this story out there without all sorts of nasty comments or judgment. It has been an interesting process to recount the events of the past few months but ultimately I believe it was the right decision. If anyone has any questions or would like for me to clarify any aspect of the story, please feel free to ask. The desire of my heart is that somehow I can reach other people as a result of these events. Thanks again for reading along and stay tuned because who knows what the future will hold!?!

11 comments:

  1. Wow, what a roller coaster you've been on. My heart aches for you...and for H. I hope he finds health and happiness in the future. Stacy, I hope and pray that you find happiness, love and peace. Keep your head up and look to the future with hope and open arms. You're an amazing person and I know you're only going to be a stronger woman from this.

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  2. I wish I could give you a big hug!! I cannot imagine everything you've had to go through these past few months, and what a level head and practical view of it all you seem to have. I can't wait to see what the future holds for you, and I hope it's filled with nothing but happiness :)

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  3. Huge hug to you! Something like this is never easy much less putting it out there for others to read but thank you for sharing. I wish you the best as your create your new life! So you planning on any races :)

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  4. i love you, stacy! you have such an upbeat attitude despite the shit that you've dealt with for so many months. let me know if i can do anything to help :) xoxo

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  5. wow, i missed commenting on the last post, but I'm so glad you've come out with such a positive attitude. i can't imagine how difficult this has all been, you are so strong and things can only go up from here! we are here for you, and i wish you only the best!

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  6. I stumbled upon your blog recently. Your story has helped me sort some things out for myself. Thank-you for being brave enough to share. Wishing you all the best!

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  7. Wow...what an ending. You are a strong courageous woman and you have shown that through your commitment to your health and training, and your commitment to your relationship with H despite everything he has put you through. The fact that you still willing to support him as a friend shows that you have a great heart that is strong and caring. I wish you nothing but the best as you embark on your new journey, and look forward to reading about it! Best of luck!!

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  8. Thank you so much for your honesty and your courage. Since I started reading your blog, you've inspired me to push myself harder during my workouts and set higher goals for myself, but now you've inspired me in a different way. It took a lot of guts to do what you did. You are such a strong person and I really admire you for that. Good luck to you, and God bless.

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  9. I'm so sorry that it ended this way I wish things would've worked out between you two. But it's good you two are still friends! You are a very truely forgiving person, women like you are hard to find! Good Job!

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  10. I hope you are able to work through your issues as well Stacy. Proper nutrition is the key:)

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  11. Hugs!! I can only imagine how hard it has been for you to go through all of this. It sounds like you are trying to move forward though...and that is all you can do. There may be setbacks and hard times on the way, but keep moving ahead. What's next for you? Can't wait to see!
    Courtney
    adventures in tri-ing

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