May 3, 2010

The Saga Drags On - Part 4

(Please make sure you check out Parts 1-3 of the story before jumping into Part 4.)

As January 2nd grew closer, I was hanging on to hope that everything was going to be better very soon. Of course, life is never quite that simple is it? Just days before H was headed to rehab I received $8000 worth of credit card bills in the mail. I can’t even begin to tell you how angry I was. I have NEVER been in debt and I am completely anal about paying bills way before they are due. I have worked really hard my entire adult life to build good credit and I couldn’t even begin to imagine how I was going to pay this bill. I was already in a horrible financial situation, my husband was getting ready to leave me for an undetermined amount of time and I was pissed! When H came home from getting his fix for the day, I confronted him about the bill and instead of talking to me about it he decided to go use again. I am normally a very calm and easy going person but this is one time when I completely lost it. The weight of everything that was on my shoulders was more than I could bear. As H walked out of the door, I asked him for his house keys and told him that if he left to use to not bother coming back. I was hoping with all of my heart that he would take me in his arms and hug me and promise to never use again but instead, he handed me his keys and drove away. We were less than two days away from when H had agreed to enter rehab but now our entire future was uncertain. I had no idea what was going to happen next and I was heartbroken to be spending New Year’s Eve alone and in tears. I had no idea where H was going to go and I was scared to death that he would end up dead. It was an emotion filled night and as the clock struck midnight, I only felt numb. There was no excitement about a new year, no plans for the future and all I wanted to do is curl up in a ball and die. I wanted to give up so badly and quiet all of the pain that was tormenting me but something inside of me made me push on.

Somehow I made it through that night and when I woke up the next morning I slowly went through the motions of life as usual. I had a race to run on New Year’s Day and I was very excited to have something to take my mind off of my circumstances. I definitely didn’t have much energy to race and I wasn’t sure how I was going to do but when the gun went off at the start line, I remember taking off as fast as I could and simply running with everything I had inside of me. I pushed myself to the point where the only thing I could think of was how hard my heart was beating in my chest. I ran like I was fleeing for my life and in a way I suppose I was. The miles seemed to fly by as I ran with all of my heart and as the finish line came into view all of my problems seemed to disappear for a few moments. I set a new PR for this race which made me realize that I was stronger than I realized but as soon as the race was over, reality was right there to slap me in the face. I grabbed some water, collected my things and drove home with the same dark feelings of grief.

H had been in contact with me off and on throughout the day and hearing from him was both a relief and a frustration. I could tell that he was at a very desperate point and yet I felt like there was nothing I could do to help him. He was still planning on going to rehab and so on January 2nd, H came home to pack a few things and I drove him straight to rehab. I had no idea what the future held for us or if H would stay in treatment. I drove away from H that night with no idea if and when I would see him again. I was scared, broken and desperate for a hug.

The next week went by at a slow torturous pace as I tried to adjust to living on my own and worked to pick up the pieces of my life. I had some tough decisions to make and none of them were fun. After a lot of thought I decided that I had no option but to move out of my apartment, sell my car and pick up another job. I also met with a divorce attorney to discuss my options. I did not want to get a divorce but I had questions regarding my future with H and wanted to know where I stood legally in regard to our assets and decisions regarding our finances. There were a lot of changes headed my way and a new chapter of my life was about to begin.


  1. congrats on the PR. at least you are still able to do what you love, in the midst of all this shit. i look forward to hearing more. hang in there, i really hope this has a happy ending...

  2. You have been in my thoughts everyday and I'm putting positive thoughts out there for you.