(This entry is part of a series that I will be doing as I move through the ups and downs of my divorce. I am writing from my heart and sharing my own personal experience. Sometimes the posts will be upbeat and sometimes they may be filled with angst, anger, pity, rage, depression and whining. You have been warned...)
I woke up this morning and reached for the alarm clock that was screaming at me from my night stand. In the darkness of my room, I slowly crawled out of bed, rubbed my eyes and pulled on the workout clothes I had laid out the night before. Walking out to my car, I took a quick glance down at my phone and when the date and time popped up, I realized with a start that today marked a painful anniversary for me. I have tried in vain to forget the dates and times and circumstances of the past year but every time I think I am making progress, another "anniversary" rolls around and I am hit with a wave of memories. One year ago today, I discovered that my husband was cheating on me and I haven't been the same ever since. The circumstances leading up to the betrayal and all of the little details aren't as important as the aftermath that I have been left with. My confidence has been shaken. My self-esteem is almost non existent. I have lost my ability to trust anyone. I constantly ask myself why I wasn't good enough and what I could have done differently. I mourn the loss of what I once had. Loneliness often overwhelms me to the point where I feel as if I am suffocating. I try to pick up the pieces but they all seem like a puzzle that is impossible to solve. Standing outside in all of the dark quiet that takes place at 3:45 am, I felt a sudden strong urge to go crawl back in bed, pull the covers over my head and cry myself to sleep. The desire to give up was there taunting me in a mocking and condescending way that left me feeling bruised and battered. However, in the next moment, I felt a sudden urge to prove myself strong. I literally told myself, out loud, in the middle of the parking lot, at 3:45 in the morning, with bed head and sleepy eyes, "Pull yourself together Stacy! You are not a pussy and you are not giving up. You can do this! Now go run some miles!" Now, the fact that I just admitted that I talk to myself and give myself pep talks will ruin any idea that you may have had that I am normal but it was exactly what I needed in that moment. I needed a reminder that I was strong enough to handle this! I feel myself growing stronger with each passing day and I do see progress in the way I handle the emotional toll this has taken on me. I am not sure when everything becomes "ok" again but my fingers are crossed that April 12, 2012 will reveal a strong, confident and open hearted woman. For now, I am going to keep moving forward and tackle this challenge one day at a time. I can do this!